***Quick note: For those of you who don't know, I'm currently working on a novel and in this novel, I'm exploring new forms of writing that I'm not as familiar with, and therefore I have undertaken the exercise of writing short stories that deal with the unexplored emotions and circumstances to which I consider myself a literary novice in order to practice and hopefully refine my skills in hopes of better creating these character emotions and scenes. This is one of those short stories, and thus I would greatly appreciate your honest feedback and am very appreciative of your taking the time to read it***
Thank You!!
Vern
A Moment In Time
A Short Story by
Copyright 2007 by G. Vernon Gaskill, All Rights Reserved
"I just don't think he listens", she said, almost in tears.
Sarah listened, and wished she had any words of comfort to offer. Anything that came to mind, any words of wisdom she thought of, seemed inadequate. She reached across the table and grabbed her friend's hand.
"How do you feel about him, Allison?", she asked as she gripped her hand tighter. "Really and truly, right here", she said, pointing to her chest.
"Putting everything else aside, all the crap, everything else, how do you feel about him?"
Allison stared down at her untouched margarita for a long while and looked up at the same moment the first of her tears hit the table.
"I love him, Sarah. That's what makes it so hard", she said, almost in a whisper.
"Do you think he loves you?"
"I know he loves me, but…"
"Ok, so you love him and he loves you. If you know that, then the rest will work itself out."
Allison looked down again at her drink and wiped her eyes.
"I wish I was as confident as you about that", she said, allowing a smile.
"Well, you always said I was smarter than you", Sarah said, letting go of her hand and leaning back in her chair, feigning overconfidence.
Allison smiled at her and took a long drink of her margarita. Then another. Then she reached across the table and grabbed both of Sarah's hands and squeezed them.
"No, I didn't", she said.
They sat in silence for a few seconds, then both broke into laughter that made people across the restaurant look in their direction.
Once again, he was late. And even had she tried, Allison couldn't begin to have pretended that it wasn't pissing her off more and more with each passing minute. This time it was on a park bench that she sat alone, in what was becoming an habitual anticipation of his arrival.
Why was he doing this to her? Better still, why was she doing this to herself? She sat staring across the newly mown grass of the park, where a family played with their dog and a Frisbee.
A family. Something she wanted so badly she could feel the knot it created in the pit of her stomach when she allowed her mind dream that somehow one day she would have it. Maybe it would happen in time, but she wanted it to happen with him and he was not one to open up to anyone enough so that a relationship that could bear children would be born. She wanted this time to be theirs. She wanted him to show up for once and not leave her waiting alone on a bench watching her dream being lived by strangers and their dog. She wanted him.
And he was late.
She reached beside her and gathered her purse and turned to leave when she saw him walking towards her. She stood and walked towards him, her head down.
"I'm sorry, the meeting ran long, and…" he began, but she raised her hand to him. He stopped as she looked past her hand into his eyes.
"You're out of 'I'm sorry's', Matt", she told him. "You're fresh out. I'm at the end. I love you, and that is what makes this so hard. I can't take being second to your career anymore. I've always promised you I'd never make you choose between it and me, and I still won't. I know you've got your exhibition to prepare for and I want you to take the days between then and now to concentrate on that because I know how important that is to you, but after it's over, you will have a decision to make. I don't want you to choose between your career and me, it's not one or the other, but I can't be second anymore. Not even equal. I have to be number one in your life, or I'm never going to be happy."
He looked away, across the park, silent. His camera, his instrument of trade, hung from around his neck, resting at his side in a leather case. He always had it with him and she had begun to loathe it. Competitive people take no solace in second place, no consolation from being in the game but coming up just short.
And Allison was coming to the realization that she was very competitive.
She looked down and then back up at him. "Don't call me or come see me until after the exhibition. Take that time to concentrate on your work and know that I'm still your biggest fan. Then if you need some time afterward, I will give you that. But I'm going to need an answer."
She felt her stomach knotting and her voice cracked when she said "This is the hardest thing I've ever done, Matt. I want you to know that".
She paused and looked upward, trying to hold herself together.
"And I want you to choose me."
She stepped towards him and kissed him and then walked down the sidewalk that led back to her car. She thought more than once about turning around to see if he was following her or if he was still standing where she left him.
But she didn't.
She was wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa when the movie ended and the late news began. Her phone rang again and this time she didn't even look to see who it was. She couldn't remember when it had rung so many times in one day. But not one of the calls was from him. She had called in to work for the first time in over 3 years and stayed on the sofa most of the day, drowning herself in mindless television and trying in vain to read a book. It was cold and rainy Friday so it was a good day for laziness, and a byproduct of her playing hooky was a much needed long weekend.
The day had seen a war of different perspectives being fought within her with no clear victor declared. She had gone from "What have I done" to "This is the right thing"; from "I just hope he doesn't call because I might not be strong enough" to "Why in the hell hasn't he called?" and everywhere in between. She had cried and cursed herself for crying. On the coffee table in front of the sofa sat half-eaten attempts at meals, a near empty glass of wine, an open bag of chips, a bag of Hershey's kisses and dozens of empty foil wrappings scattered about.
As engrossed as he had become in his career, they had not spent a whole day apart since they met over a year ago. This was the first and there would be one more before the exhibition and she wondered if she could endure it. She slowly climbed from beneath the blanket and wandered into the kitchen to pour another glass of wine. She poured herself a half glass and returned the bottle to the refrigerator. On the door, she stared at pictures of them. They looked so happy. Her eyes went from picture to picture as she sipped her wine. She stopped on her favorite and the tears she thought she was out of welled in her eyes as she stared at him.
"Pick me", she silently begged.
Saturday was and will always be a good shopping day, so Sarah showed up early to pick her up. She had arrived chipper and even somewhat overly giddy, with two Starbucks and blueberry muffins. Allison hadn't smiled in over 24 hours but was laughing within a matter of minutes. Sarah was a good friend.
They decided to shop all day and then eat at their favorite Italian restaurant, leaving open the option for a movie afterward. At times she even thought of something other than Matt, but it was rare. Sarah knew Allison wanted to get a new dress for the exhibit and so she made that the day's first priority. Once a dress had been decided on and paid for, Sarah made her take it out to the car and grabbed her arm and led her back towards the mall.
"Now you're all mine!", Sarah said, and Allison laughed.
After a couple of hours, they stopped at the food court to for a light lunch when Allison's phone rang. She reached into her purse and gave an ever so slight look of disappointment when she looked at the caller ID. She sent the call to voicemail and returned the phone to her purse.
"You told him not to call", Sarah reminded again.
"I know, I know", Allison said with a sigh. "But why did he have to pick now to do what I say?", and they both laughed.
The day went as planned and after the movie Sarah dropped Allison off in front of her apartment. Allison thanked her for the day and hugged her. After reminding her that she would be by the next day at 5:15 to pick her up for the exhibition, Allison started to open the door and stopped.
"I'm so scared", she said, and turned back to Sarah. "What if I lose him?"
"Tell you what", Sarah said. "Why don't we cross that bridge when we get to it? And just know that you won't cross that bridge alone."
Sarah put her hand on Allison's arm and squeezed. "Try and get some sleep. There isn't anything you can do about it tonight, so why let it worry you sick? I mean, I could say 'what if I get in a wreck on my way home tonight' but it doesn't make sense to worry about it until it happens, does it?"
"Oh, thanks a lot!", Sarah responded. "Now I've got that to worry about too!"
They laughed and hugged again.
"Love you", Sarah said.
"Love you too".
From Sarah's apartment it would take 25 minutes to get to the exhibition and the knot within her stomach was tightening. It had been over forty-eight hours since she had spoken to Matt and she was emotionally spent. She honestly didn't know what she would do if he said it was over. One thought repeated itself over and over in her mind.
"What have I done? What have I done?"
She had almost broken down and called him after Sarah had dropped her off the night before, but she didn't know what she would say if he answered and didn't know what she would do if he didn't. She had been up since six o'clock, a full twelve hours before the exhibit, and she had been dressed and ready to go for over an hour before the time she had to leave to pick Sarah up. They arrived twenty minutes before the doors opened and sat in the parking lot with the car running. They made small talk until the time for exhibition to begin had come and gone.
"I feel like I'm going to be sick", Allison said, looking out the driver's side window.
Sarah grabbed her hand. "Sweetie, you're going to be fine. Everything's going to be fine."
Allison continued to stare out the window, fighting tears that would necessitate a make-up touch up.
"Come on," Sarah said, reaching over and turning off the ignition. "I can see from here to the door and there's not a bridge in sight."
Allison looked over at her friend, took a deep breath and smiled.
"Let's go", she said, and opened her car door.
The sign on the easel display read "Matthew Gray Exhibition" and featured a profile view of Matt shooting a picture. Allison gazed at his picture and tried to swallow the rapidly growing lump in her throat. She could never remember being so nervous. Sarah patted her on the back and led her in.
The walls of the dimly lit room were adorned with Matt's work, each photograph positioned beneath a piece of track lighting to properly illuminate it. Allison took the whole room in and it finally occurred to her how special this was. This was really, really big. There were people walking and pointing and standing still, taking in the beauty of his photographs. Sarah had wandered over to say hello to a friend who was looking at a Matt's photograph of the town square during last year's one and only snow. Allison was with him when he took that one. He had named it "Rare Beauty" and the name was presented at the bottom of the frame, along with the type of film and paper he had used.
Allison's eyes were constantly scanning the room for him, but couldn't find him. She was about to join her friends when a voice called out to her.
"Allison, have you seen Matt?"
She was still so intoxicated by the room, she found it hard to focus on what Vince, Matt's younger brother, was saying.
"What? Have I seen Matt?", she repeated.
"He came in earlier and looked around before it started, but now, nobody can find him."
"Well, I'm sure he's here somewhere…", she said instinctively, all the while mentally scrolling through a series of possibilities.
This was his big night. The night he had waited so very long for. What if something had happened to him? What if they couldn't find him? What if…
Vince's voice brought her back. "Look, stay here and I'll go look around outside. Maybe he's just nervous."
Allison's head was spinning. He couldn't not be here. She felt as if another minute passing without him would shred the frail seams that held her sanity together.
She wandered around the room, taking in the familiar photographs with new eyes and basking in the joy of the people admiring them, while periodically scanning the room and its exits for him. She heard someone commenting on his photograph of the high school pep rally around the bonfire. He had named that one after the ritual bonfire that was built before the annual football game against the neighboring town's rival high school. He called it "Spirit Fire". She remembered how proud he was that he got the glow of the fire in the lower right foreground of the picture, but yet still captured the cheerleaders and the crowd at just the precise moment he wanted.
There was an entire section devoted to his photographs taken on his trip to
All except one.
The photograph seemed to actually leap off the wall at her. She had never seen this one. It was on the south wall midway down, positioned slightly higher than the others. As Allison walked towards it, she noticed that it had a different lighting than the rest and that it was one of only a handful of black and white photographs. As the photograph registered in her brain, as she slowly came to the realization of what she was seeing, Allison stared at it almost trancelike, her mouth slightly open and her cheeks wet.
Her eyes had just found the name of the photograph, not written, but engraved on a gold plate, when she felt a tap on her shoulder.
"Excuse me, Ma'am", said a well dressed man with a nametag reading "
Allison was so startled she didn't wipe her face.
"Y-Yes…I'm Allison".
"Then this is for you", he said, handing her a folded piece of paper. She opened it and read the words written on it and read it again. She glanced back up at the photograph and left the building almost in a sprint.
"Allison, what are you doing? Where are you going?", Sarah cried out from behind her.
"I don't have time to explain. Stay here. I'll be back", she yelled at her best friend, sitting down behind the wheel, closing the door, and starting the ignition all at once. Her tires squealed as she took a right out of the parking lot and headed east, towards the river. She turned the radio off and drove in silence, far exceeding the posted speed limits and cursing at every stop sign and red light until she pulled into a parking space on the side of the road, in front of the park. She relieved herself of the heels she was wearing as she leapt out of the car and ran across the grass until she saw him.
He was right where she had left him Thursday, his jeans and button down shirt from that day replaced by the suit she had picked out for him for the exhibition. Her pace slowed as she approached him, and he walked towards her slowly.
"Matt…", she started, but he raised his hand to her. She stopped and stood still while he continued to walk towards her. Her eyes were wide and her breathing heavy as he approached her and took her hand. He paused for a moment and then took her other hand and smiled.
"I choose you"
He leaned down and kissed her as she cried and then he hugged her tightly, pulling her up on her toes.
Allison pulled away suddenly and said "There is so much I want to say to you, and I'm not letting you out of my sight until I say every word of it, but that's going to have to wait".
As she grabbed his hand and pulled, he pulled her back. "I've got time. What's on your mind?", he said with a grin.
"Matt, you crazy….Your exhibition is going on right now! This is what you've waited your whole life for, we've got to…."
Matt shook his head and said "That's just it – the exhibition is what I want. It's a dream come true and it is very important to me, but you've got to know something before it can mean anything to me, and I mean really know it. You've got to know that while I love my work, I do love you more, even if I'm lousy at showing it sometimes".
He pulled her close to him and moved a strand of hair from her cheek to behind her ear.
"You are what I've waited my whole life for."
Allison leaned up and pulled his head down to hers and kissed him.
"I love you", she said.
"And I love you", he replied, leaning down to kiss her again.
"Good, that's settled, now COME ON!", she said, jerking his arm and making him run along side her to the car.
They went back to the exhibition and the night was perfect. Despite his unscheduled absence, Matt's work was very well received. Professionally, Matt had a very good night, and personally they both had an even better one. They sat for a long while after the last person had left, in the floor with a bottle of wine, laughing, and talking. They sat in front of the south wall, in front of the photograph she had never seen. The one with the special lighting, the one that was singled out in it's positioning on the wall.
The photograph was of Allison in the park. As she was leaving him that day, the realization of losing her had smacked him in the face. The very notion of that happening hit him in such a dramatic way that he wanted to ensure he would never forget what he was feeling that very second. So he did what photographers do when they want to capture a moment. He took out his camera and clicked a single picture of the woman he loved walking away from him. As he did with all of his photographs, Matt gave the picture a name, because in naming his photographs, he felt an additional, crucial bit of insight would be provided to the viewer as far as what he was seeing and feeling at that moment. So at the bottom of the frame, engraved in gold, was the one name that in his mind captured exactly what he saw.
He called it "Unbearable".
